6 guaranteed ways to jack up your marriage

Want to jack up your marriage? Here are 6 things you can do that are guaranteed to create a problem at home. (believe it or not I am actually pro-marriage be sure to read the italicized portion at the end)

Create no boundaries on social networking.

If you want to plant seeds of mistrust in your marriage, make sure you are consistently reconnecting with people from your past. It is especially beneficial if you reconnect with former romantic interests. Make sure you spend an inordinate amount of time looking people up, liking their posts, telling them how beautiful their family is and sharing their stories with your spouse. Doing so is a surefire way to assault your spouse’s insecurities and keep them positioned in a sea of doubt and confusion. It is especially helpful if you create accounts that your spouse isn’t even aware of…..they love it when that happens!

Keep your finances separate.

A couple who is fully aware of their combined and mutual financial situation is a force to be reckoned with so make sure you keep your spouse at arms length about your finances. If division is the ultimate goal you will want to make sure you do everything you can to keep all of your finances separate. At your wedding, the minister likely quoted an Old Testament passage about “two becoming one flesh.” Since money was not officially named you’re well within your rights to keep your spouse in the dark regarding “your” money. If you really want to put some icing on the cake you need to take out a credit card about which your spouse if completely unaware. Don’t worry….when a spouse discovers secret bank accounts and hidden credit cards they always feel super special and will totally believe you were doing it for their benefit. Tell them you were saving money to take them on a cruise…yeah – go with that one.

Use no discernment in work relationships

Your professional life and your personal life should really never consider each other. I mean let’s face it – you are living the dream and making the big bucks. If it weren’t for your job and contribution to the family financially, your spouse and children would be forced to beg for food on the streets. As a result you should have the freedom to go to lunch with whomever you desire. Your spouse will need to learn the ways of the trade and become accepting of your need to wine and dine your secretary, boss or colleague. It really shouldn’t bother your significant other if you are going out for drinks after work instead of coming home and being involved in the life of your family. If you are trying to jack up your marriage…make sure the people you are dining and drinking with are members of the opposite gender.

Come home talking about “him” or “her.”

Because you are making a willful effort to compromise your marriage, see to it that you come home talking about that guy or gal at the office that is so funny or complicated or genuine or rude or…just make sure you come home talking about him/her. It won’t trigger anything in the immediate, but if you are determined, you will eventually see your spouse grow weary of hearing stories about this person. If you want to escalate this more quickly you will need to go for the trifecta: 1) talk about him/her 2) don’t even ask about your spouse’s day 3) tell your spouse that you learned these things about him/her during happy hour after work. Holy smokes…that will do the trick!

Maintain your right to privacy

If you want to jack up your marriage, make sure you do everything you can to keep your spouse out of your email, social networking, online subscriptions, etc. Under no circumstance should you ever give them the password to your accounts. Again, the minister at your wedding probably talked a great deal about your lives “now belonging to each other” but that was likely just wedding talk – so don’t panic. Your life is just that…your life! If your spouse figures out your password, change it as quickly as possible and then reprimand them for not trusting you. They will never catch on to the irony.

Weaponize any or all of the previously mentioned things

The best way to really jack up your marriage is to make lots of assumptions and withhold even an ounce of grace. You and your spouse may have been unknowingly employing some of the strategies listed above. If you want to create some real angst relationally, assume that your spouse has been trying to jack up your marriage. When they set forth a defense of their motives and ask you for forgiveness, it is very important that you do not cave under the pressure. The best thing you can do, if you are really holding out for the worst result, is to take any previous offense from the list above and torpedo your spouse with accusations.

I am pro-marriage and pro-family. My intent was to write this in a way that would tempt people’s curiosity. Marriages are under attack, and I am convinced the great majority of issues could be avoided with a few simple commitments:

  • I will not be friends with, follow or interact with anyone on social media that makes my spouse uncomfortable. In most, if not all, cases my spouse will not have to “make their case” to me. In cases of disagreement, I will honor my spouse’s desire.
  •  There will be no secret credit cards or bank accounts. As often as is possible and fiscally responsible, we will share access to and interaction with all of our financial accounts.
  •  I will not give up precious time with my spouse and children to “hang out” with people after work. There may be occasions when this is appropriate, but as a rule I will get home as quickly after work as possible. I will also use discernment as it pertains to whom I eat lunch with on a regular basis. I will do my best to avoid, at all costs, a private meal with a person of the opposite gender. If it is mandatory, my spouse will be informed prior to the lunch.
  •  I will give my spouse permission and freedom to let me know when someone from the office begins making their way into too many conversations at home.
  •  My spouse has access to any account that has my name on it…no questions asked. When he/she needs a password, they will be given access immediately.
  •  If my spouse has been “guilty” of any of these offenses, I will not use their mistake as a weapon to prove my point or validate my insecurities. I owe it to my spouse to begin from a position of trust and then respond in grace.

Our marriages are too important to tank over stupid stuff…don’t be stupid!


2 thoughts on “6 guaranteed ways to jack up your marriage

  1. I totally agree about all these statements. Especially social media! I don’t know why so many people become so dependent on these things like Facebook and Twitter. In fact I still don’t even know what Twitter is all about. Its so easy to get caught up in what’s going on in every one else’s life instead of worrying about your own.

    Like

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